My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.