I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
courtroom exchange of the day
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again