If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how