My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
repaired
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.