I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.