Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Miscakes
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Ha
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*