Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The prophecy is fulfilled
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
jesus christ confetti not now
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”