“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
So true for me
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad