Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.