MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
You Might Also Like
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…