Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science