Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”