The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo