My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
nature’s most graceful animal
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.