My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol