*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
That took me a moment.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?