*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.