I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants