Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Worst perfume name ever.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.