Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
ok this is my dumbest yet
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 馃檨
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 馃ザ
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My guess is it鈥檚 either Geppetto鈥檚 workshop or a sperm bank.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 馃挜
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
happy friday
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.