[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
when there are deer in the woods
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants