Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Wait a minute…
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.