The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My plans: 2020:
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
🤣
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about