Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
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and this one
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
forgive me baja for i have blast