nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.