80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.