At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.