I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Tony Hawk, age 6
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.