Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
boat question
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?