You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Rather alarming headline…
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad