Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
You wish you had this many chins.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t