How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I’ve been drinking.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.