*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I have a black belt in leather
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“What movie?” 🤔