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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: