My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
You Might Also Like
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
sigh
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is