son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.