Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
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Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic