I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Never forget.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.