Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet