I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.