It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
You Might Also Like
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Stop sending me this shit.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.