“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Breaking news:
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?