One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*