I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Did…did a minotaur write this
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
my proudest tweet
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.