I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
his wife is probably gonna see that
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.