How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit