M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
me refusing to leave twitter
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.