[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets