PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Go girl power!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?