Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Optional boss fight.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Wait a minute…
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed